Come on, Simone...Let's Talk About Your Big "But"
On the heels of last episode’s “Trillion Dollar Coach” discussion, we now turn to the wisdom of another “coach” who unwittingly put his life in jeopardy in order to help someone else follow a dream.
And building on this coach’s assertion that “everyone has a big ‘but’,” we’ll explore the impacts that little “buts” can have on success and leave you with 3 things to keep in mind as you lead your team, your family, and yourself toward a more sustainable future:
1) You can openly acknowledge and embrace your “buts" without allowing them to drain your energy and slow you down;
2) You can help your stakeholders understand how to use their “buts” as an opportunity to grow; and
3) That while using blunt or negative words like "but" and “however” and “no” can have unintended consequences, artificially avoiding words that occasionally need to be said to others—and to yourself—can sometimes cause even greater damage.
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Additional “But” Avoidance Resources:
From Fast Company: “The One Word That’s Undermining Everything Else You Say”
From Marshall Goldsmith: “Do you begin Every Sentence with No, But or However?”
From Success Magazine: “5 Things Successful Leaders Don’t Say”
TRANSCRIPT:
00:00
Simone: I know you're right, but...
Pee-wee: But what? Everyone I know has a big "but." Come on, Simone...let's talk about your big "but."
For those of you who may not recognize that exchange, what you just heard comes from the classic film Pee-wee's Big Adventure. And in this scene, Pee-wee Herman encourages Simone, a waitress he'd met a few hours before, to follow her dream of moving to the city of eternal love: Paris, France.
00:33
Now when you think of Pee-wee Herman, there's probably a few descriptions of him that come to mind...but I'm guessing "life coach" is not one of them. However, coaching is exactly what he's doing as he helps Simone uncover what's holding her back from her dream. And in this case, that thing happens to be her intimidating boyfriend, Andy:
00:53
And in today's episode, we're going to expand upon Coach Pee-wee's assertion that we all have a big "but" and discuss how improperly using the word "but" can unwittingly rob you and your stakeholders of the energy needed to achieve purposeful and lasting success.
[Intro Music]
01:26
Hello and welcome to The Energy Detox, a petroleum-based blend of leadership conversations guaranteed to boost your professional and personal output by flushing away the hidden—and often toxic barriers—to peak performance. I'm your host, Joe Sinnott, a chemical engineer, executive coach and 15 year energy industry veteran helping you tap into the same resources fueling today's most successful and sustainable leaders.
01:54
And in today's conversation, you'll explore how and why those leaders avoid letting "buts" get in the way of success for both them and their stakeholders.
02:03
And the inspiration for this conversation doesn't just come from Pee-wee Herman, or from years of watching leaders carefully (and not so carefully) "cover their 'buts'," so to speak. The inspiration also comes from my five year old son, Anthony, who came to my wife and me with an idea a few weeks ago. And this idea was to build a parachute so that he could jump off the top of the roof of our house. And as my wife and I both paused and looked at each other to see who would respond to him and crush his big idea, we ultimately found ourselves saying, "You know what? What the heck...let's go for it! Let's explore this idea."
02:39
And yeah, it wasn't quite as simple as that. But either way, my wife did wind up spending 2 hours making a child-sized parachute and harness; and we did wind up testing it out by jumping off a few steps and then off the swing set in the backyard.
02:51
And fortunately, he conceded that there just wasn't going to be enough time from the roof to the ground to slow his descent, and my wife's two hours of effort resulted in a 20 minute lesson—and perhaps an important lesson—for Anthony.
03:04
And we obviously knew that this investment of precious time would not result in a successful descent from the roof. So why did we agree to go along with this? Well, for one, Anthony isn't the best at making decisions as we discussed in Episode 10. So when he really expresses an opinion on something, there's value in not immediately shutting him down and potentially preventing him from opening his mouth next time he has an idea.
03:29
And also, we've absorbed enough parenting and leadership materials over the years to know that the best way to foster creativity in children and in professional teams is to not immediately tell someone who has an idea, "Well, you know, that's a great idea...BUT it's not going to work. So please turn off your imagination and go do something "safe" instead."
03:50
And not only have I read plenty of articles (some of which can be found in the show notes above) that have specifically told me to avoid saying the word "but" and other negative words. But I've also sat through 3 formal classes over the years that spent a good chunk of time hammering home the notion that "buts" are bad when it comes to communicating, especially if you're a leader of a business, a team, or a family, in which people are looking to you for opinions or to validate (or invalidate) their ideas.
03:58
And all that being said, the goal today is not merely to warn you that overusing the word but can make you an ineffective leader, because there's a good chance that you've already been warned many times that instinctively responding to people's ideas with a "but" or a quick "no" or "however" or any other negative word is going to signal that you're not willing to fully hear the other person out and will, in turn, shut down his or her creativity.
04:44
And I'm going to assume you don't need me to beat that warning to death today. So I'm not! And I'm also going to assume you've heard some variation of the quote that "nothing said before the word but in a sentence really matters." And that, again, you don't need me using an entire podcast episode restating the fairly accurate point that the quote does a good enough job of conveying.
05:06
And I'm not suggesting you should ALWAYS take up all of your free time and energy (and literal or figurative fabric that can be used to sew masks or something more useful than a parachute for your kids) to avoid "buts" and go down rabbit holes. And you shouldn't always bend over backwards to walk them through every silly idea that someone might have.
05:24
So my goal is not merely to tell you that you should do all of these worthwhile things and avoid just instinctively saying "no" and shutting people down. And I'm not telling you that you need to eliminate all of the big "buts" in your life that might be holding you back...because if you wanted someone to talk about "overcoming challenges" and "removing your limiting beliefs" and untie yourself from the things that are that are preventing you from success, well you could undoubtedly find someone more entertaining and motivating than me to jump up and down and scream and and tell you this important—although at times overplayed—message.
05:24
My goal today is to simply (and calmly) help you increase your AWARENESS of the hidden—and sometimes complex—"buts" that are holding both you and your stakeholders back from achieving peak performance: both short-term performance and, as in the case of our five year old, long-term thinking and performance and confidence.
06:22
And I'm talking about "awareness" because I don't want you to take a robotic view of today's message and see each and every "but" as inherently bad.
06:31
Instead, I want you to consciously recognize "buts," and not necessarily start making a big fuss like some drug-sniffing dog when he thinks he's gotten a whiff of something illicit when you hear a "but" and you're ready to jump on that person and tell them to "stop using such words." No, I want you to appreciate that the occasional "but" isn't a bad thing. And to not have some unrealistic fear of the word "but" and "no" and "however" and any negative words that might come out of your mouth on occasion.
06:58
And I don't want you carrying around some some unsustainable aversion to ever uttering the word "but" or any negative word, but instead to use negative words like "but" judiciously and effectively, whether you're talking to yourself or to others.
07:14
So all that being said, there are 3 things I hope are reinforced as we step through today's episode:
1) That you can openly acknowledge and embrace your "buts" without allowing them to drain your energy and slow you down;
2) That it's your role as a leader to help your stakeholders understand that not all "buts" stink, and that your stakeholders can actually use their "buts" as an opportunity to grow and develop.; and
3) That while using simple words like but can have unintended consequences, avoiding words that need to be said and dancing around the "buts" that need to be uncovered can cause even greater damage.
07:50
And before jumping into the first of those goals—and since I've already used the word "but" at least 2 dozen times so far—let's go ahead and define the word "but," which hopefully by now you can tell is the form spelled with only one letter 'T'.
08:07
And perhaps one of the best definitions of "but" is that it's a means of conveying a contrast; or stated a bit more clearly, "buts" often indicate a change of direction.
08:18
And a literal example of this change of direction can occur if you were driving down the road, BUT encountered some major accident and had to turn around.
08:26
And figuratively, you might say you were driving toward a long and successful career in oil and gas, BUT the industry collapsed and you were forced to change direction and revisit your career plans.
08:37
And beyond literal or figurative changes of direction, "buts" can also reveal barriers that may not cause us to turn around, but that may at least slow us down or force us to tap the brakes and look around. Some of those "buts" are bigger and more impactful than others. Some affect only us; and others are more widespread and universal. And ultimately, I'd argue that all of the different "buts" can be divided into a number of separate buckets, including...
09:02
A self-doubt "but" bucket, where you might say, "I'd love to throw my name in for a new role at work, BUT I don't think I'm ready yet."
09:11
And some buckets reflect concern, as with people who might say, "I'm excited to exit the oil and gas industry, BUT I'm worried about a potential drop in pay."
09:21
A "but" can be accusatory, say if an employee tells his boss, "You preach teamwork, collaboration, and transparency, BUT it seems like you only care about the handful of people making up your inner circle."
09:33
Another category of "buts" is excuses, like an oil and gas operator saying, "Yeah, we would have slowed down drilling activity much sooner, BUT we were waiting for our competitors to do so first."
09:45
A "but" can be a warning, like when my wife says, "I understand what you're trying to get across with this episode, BUT there's a good chance your audience might be turned off by your use of Pee-wee Herman and the use of the word "but" 200 times."
09:58
"Buts" can also be realistic, like someone remarking, "It was great being in the energy industry when oil was $100, BUT the odds of seeing that number again are pretty slim."
10:09
Now one of the more positive "but" categories is the opportunity category, where someone might say, "Yes, I've been in oil and gas for 3 decades, BUT it's not too late to apply my transferable skills to another industry that might bring me just as much joy and passion and meaning."
10:26
And some of my favorite "buts" are the ones that reveal hypocrisy, especially when someone admits that they believe fossil fuels are inherently evil and need to go, BUT that they love reliable energy, modern medicine, and all the luxuries and necessities of present day life that are dependent on petroleum.
10:45
And while you might not actually hear that last "but" or other hypocritical "buts" spoken out loud, you may find yourself chomping at the bit to call out such hypocrisy when you know it's there. And this doesn't just apply to energy-related conversations that occur often these days, but also to all hot-button issues from politics and religion to sports and food, where someone often makes a case for or against specific positions...without addressing the obvious "buts" that they're hoping nobody realizes or challenges them on because those "buts" don't serve the purpose that they're trying to get across while arguing their side of the story.
11:19
And if you're inclined to speak up in those situations and inject your own "but," how often does it lead to any actual change of direction for the person who just shared his or her incomplete opinion? How often does chiming in with your "but" help anyone but you feel better in those situations? And the answer is that the more intense the topic, the less likely your "but" is going to matter or influence somebody.
11:42
However, in situations that are far less charged than discussing political candidates or the pros and cons of oil and natural gas, we freely but in all the time and make our case. And unfortunately, when we do so on some of these smaller issues, it can much more easily cause people to change direction, even if that wasn't our intention when we decided to "but" in. And it can exacerbate the self-doubt and the concern and the defensiveness and excuses that some "buts" reveal.
12:11
And naturally, this doesn't just happen between 2 people, but inside of ourselves constantly, where we might be really good at preventing "buts" from getting in the way of our FIRMLY established thoughts and opinions, while we allow less developed—yet potentially valuable—ideas get squashed by "buts."
12:28
And besides valuable ideas getting lost, if you're not carrying the right mindset, your internal "buts" can quickly build up and be debilitating and prevent future ideas from ever even getting past your ears and into your head.
12:42
And while I know I went on a bit of a tangent after introducing the idea of a hypocritical "but," I did so to emphasize that you're probably not one of those people who blatantly chooses to ignore new or different ideas that don't align with your existing biases...at least I hope you're not one of those people. And I know that you don't need me to point out how frustrating it is when you encounter a person who always seems to be playing devil's advocate.
13:06
And even though I could ramble on for hours about all the hypocritical "buts" that will rarely be heard by people who don't have the intellectual honesty to care about counter arguments when it comes to larger issues, part of my mission today—and the first of these three goals I laid out earlier—is to boost your awareness of the smaller "buts" that you speak or think and to help you remember that the small "buts" can have big impacts on both your short- and long-term performance; because as I just asserted, the big "buts" that Pee-wee Herman speaks of are often easier to deal with.
13:40
And even if you don't have an intimidating boyfriend named Andy clearly holding you back from your dreams, you likely have 1,000 smaller Andys and smaller "buts" nipping at your heels that will cause you far more harm in the long run than a few tangible big "buts" staring you in the face and forcing you to take action.
13:58
And if you're one of the many people—especially in the energy industry—who think of yourself as being highly skilled at putting your head down, working your rear-end off, and ignoring the little "buts" that pop up, you're probably going to have some very good short-term success. However, the more you ignore and breeze past those "buts," and the more you let those "buts" add up and grow stronger, the tougher it will be to deal with them later...and the lower the odds will be that you'll be able to achieve sustainable success for you, your team, and your organization.
14:29
But being alert to those "buts" and those mini-Andys does not mean being paralyzed by them or obsessing over them or taking some obscene amount of time to think about them and dwell on them; because doing so is a guaranteed way to lose focus on the bigger picture...and losing focus is equally unsustainable.
14:46
So if IGNORING "buts" is a recipe for disaster, and if ACTING on too many "buts" can get you in trouble, how do you maintain a reasonable level of awareness regarding those small "buts" without being consumed by them?
14:59
Well, for starters, don't treat each "but" as some binary decision and convince yourself that the "but" is either a problem that it isn't a problem, because it's okay to acknowledge that things might be complicated and might not have a clear answer. And in those instances, it can be perfectly okay to acknowledge the "but" and move on with life, which again is the point of this first goal today: to be AWARE and to acknowledge and to not allow yourself to be paralyzed by "buts."
15:25
And with the school year having started for many children by now, we have one of the absolute best examples of a situation where the overwhelming number of "buts" out there can absolutely drain the energy of parents deciding how to navigate the start of school, especially parents faced with some option regarding in-person, remote, or hybrid learning for their children.
15:45
And whether or not you're one of those parents dealing with back to school decisions—or you're a grandparent or aunt or uncle or someone who's who's familiar with these decisions that are being made—anyone paying attention knows that every single COVID fact or figure or idea or innovation that's thrown out there is inevitably met with a "but" from someone else.
16:04
And with some of the school questions, at least a few common "buts" are:
But what if my child won't wear a mask?
But how do you expect a kindergartner to keep his fingers out of his mouth all day?
But how will my children develop socially if they're on an iPad all day sitting at home?
But how will you enforce social distancing on school buses?
16:25
And when it comes to decisions about going back to school amidst the pandemic—or really when it comes to making any decision where every single "pro" is met with a "con" or a "but"—it's important to recognize that some decisions may simply be coin flips. And the sooner you can recognize that, and the sooner you realize that you're going to have to live with a few "buts," the healthier you'll be and the more sustainable you'll find your approach to life.
16:48
And fortunately, there's been people out there on social media reminding others that there is no good choice right now in this age of COVID, especially when it comes to school.
16:58
And they're certainly isn't a perfect choice out there; every choice is essentially bad; every choice stinks; every choice has a ton of "buts" attached to it. And at some point, you need to flip a coin and you need to say, "It doesn't matter what I choose, as each decision may very well be equally bad in some cases."
17:17
So make the choice and move on. Because you're not going to get to a point where you're 95% certain that the results are going to work out better than if you'd made the other choice. And in this case of COVID and school, you're not going to get that certainty. It's just not going to happen. And I'm thrilled to hear people pointing that out and saying, "Just move on."
17:34
And, admittedly, "moving on" is easier said than done. And a lot of what I'm sharing today is driven by that "just make a decision and move on" sentiment that's out there as a way to help people. And I say all of this as someone who spends a lot of time helping people make tough decisions. And a lot of those decisions aren't 50/50 coin flips. And, yes, some of them are easier than others...and some of them are pretty challenging. But at the end of the day, I'm saying this as someone who is regularly helping people think in terms of the odds of being successful.
18:01
Because with coaching, that's what we're doing: improving the ODDS of success. Because very few things are guaranteed—except as Ben Franklin said, "death and taxes."
[Note: Ben Franklin actually didn’t invest that famous saying: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_and_taxes_(idiom)]
18:10
So that being said, if you can boost your odds of making a better decision by 5% or 10%, then great...go ahead and do it! But again, if it's essentially a coin flip and there's going to be legitimate "buts" no matter what, simply acknowledge them and move on.
18:24
And, you know, we spent a good amount of time in Episode 10 discussing that sometimes "the results don't speak for themselves." Sometimes no matter how much you tilted the odds in your favor or boosted the probability of success, the decision you made may very well yield undesirable results because one of those smaller "buts" came to fruition.
18:44
And so going back to the decisions parents have made or are making around school, you could have agonized for months about what decision is best for your children. And perhaps some of the "buts" you were forced to ignore and dismiss DID come to fruition and the decision you made may very well yield an undesirable result. And you may be tempted to kick yourself for not going in other direction...that may very well all play out. But that doesn't necessarily mean you made the "wrong" decision.
19:11
And yes, we're dealing with a deadly virus. So we can't just dismiss some of these big "buts" that can cost people their lives, but you're not going to eliminate every stinkin' "but" that's out there. And sometimes you're going to have to deal with some "buts" and just move on—as difficult as that might seem and as horrible and as defeatist as that might sound. Because sometimes you just have to play the odds and then hope for the best instead of being paralyzed by "buts" that are out of your control.
19:39
And along these same lines, I know President Trump caught a lot of flack for saying several weeks ago, "it is what it is," when talking about the Coronavirus. And that to many folks, he came across as callous and brash by suggesting that things are going to play out however they're going to play out and that people saw it almost as if he's throwing up his hands and saying "no big deal."
19:58
And obviously as someone who embraces innovation and the idea that we rarely have to "settle," I acknowledge that he could have chosen some different words. However, when you're dealing with certain "buts," sometimes that "but" is what it is, and you might not have full control.
20:16
And as 2 of my own children returned to school, we know that we've done everything as parents to increase the odds of success for them. And we're lucky that their school has done the same thing: they've boosted the odds that going back is going to have the best overall results from an education standpoint, from a social standpoint, and certainly from a health standpoint.
20:37
And we fully acknowledge all of the "buts" that are out there that are going to stay out there, no matter what plan is in place, and no matter how fleshed out that plan is. And we're at the point now where we're going to see what happens, and we'll be ready to adjust, and we're not just going to be consumed by the "buts" because—to a certain extent—it is what it is.
20:58
And, again, that doesn't mean we haven't taken action and others haven't taken action, but it's time to let things play out. And there's times in your life—outside of COVID, outside of school, outside of work, and outside of your normal day-to-day now—where you're going to have to acknowledge that things are going to play out the way they're going to play out.
21:17
And as another example of this, perhaps for people who might not have had to face the back to school conundrum that parents have had, let's talk about resumes for a moment. And a particular resume related topic that's come up for several job hunters that I've assisted over the last couple of months. And that topic is the ol' gap in your work history.
21:35
So let's assume for a moment that you happen to have a pretty stellar resume. And you know darn well that it's a stellar resume. And assume you've got 15 years of valuable experience and you've had a ton of different responsibilities to lead successful projects and have several great references. BUT there's a gap in your resume of two years that's not easy to explain, especially on paper.
22:00
And sure, as someone who just claimed to love innovation and to love solving problems and to not default to telling yourself "it is what it is," I'd probably encourage you to brainstorm ways to fill that gap with something positive...or to at least get creative and present it in a different manner or a different light or figure out some method to proactively address it.
22:19
But let's say you've tried filling that gap or explaining it away somehow, and it's just not feeling right. So you ultimately conclude that the best course of action is to throw your hands up, leave a two year gap on your resume and say, "It is what it is." And while that gap might indeed be a pretty big crack in an otherwise solid resume, you choose not to dwell on it and you choose to acknowledge the "but" without letting it consume you.
22:44
And while you remain fully aware of that gap and have conceded that "yeah, it is what it is," you're sure as heck gonna be prepared to discuss it whenever the opportunity presents itself, most likely in an interview at some point. And when you get to that point, you'll own up to the fact that "Yeah, you know what, they're isn't a great explanation." Maybe you took two years off to hang out at the beach, and whatever it is, you can be prepared to explain it and maybe you even have some clever way to describe it that wouldn't come across as you'd want it to come across on paper; and on paper, it could have done far more harm than good if you'd try to spend too much time covering the gap on your resume or on LinkedIn.
23:23
But in person, if given the opportunity, maybe it wind up making you one of the most memorable candidates out there, and it makes you different and relatable. And you actually have a pretty decent story about the time that you spent outside of the working world.
23:40
And if that's where you land in this hypothetical example, then you've done exactly what the first goal of today's talk says to do: acknowledge your "buts," address them as best as you can, but don't let them consume you or slow you down or become a toxic drain on your precious energy.
23:59
And if you're able to do all of that, you may—as we just described—actually turn that "but" into an opportunity that wouldn't have existed without that "but" being there in the first place. And if you hadn't conceded that "it is what it is" and then moved on, you might not have had an opportunity to tell a compelling story in an interview about all of the lessons you learned during that two year gap. And there would probably be some stories about those things you'd learned in those 2 years that applied to your subsequent roles and that again, might not come across smoothly in a written resume but that might flow naturally in a conversation.
24:32
And snatching opportunities out of those "buts" is point number 2 that I'm hoping to make today. Because if you can convince yourself that some "buts" can actually be an advantage, then having an ability to absorb feedback from all sorts of people who lack the tact to avoid immediately pointing out "buts" and telling you why your ideas are wrong can be advantageous. And if you can take all of that negativity and keep on progressing and moving forward without feeling pressured to change direction because of a few "buts" coming from someone who is superior to you in some way (or who you feel is superior to you in some way) and who has experience and valued opinions, then you and those around may be better off in the long run.
25:07
And before you think this is just me trying to claim that "every cloud has a silver lining" and whatever positive saying you want to throw in there, let me jump in and say that that's not the case. And that's not who I am. And attempts to claim that every negative has a positive and that every stinky "but" has a sweet-smelling side can really start to sound inauthentic pretty quickly.
25:32
But even though it's important to realize that some things do just stink and "are what they are" and don't necessarily have a silver lining, you need to be aware enough to ask what opportunities can potentially come out of such a "but." And if you have your mind in that place and if you're on the lookout for these positive things, you'll find that these opportunities present themselves all day long, right—or perhaps I should say "all pandemic long?"
25:56
Seriously, though, there's been no shortage of "buts" out there, but also no shortage of people who are realizing tons of opportunities that have come out of this unique time.
26:04
For example, think of someone who was planning a trip to Disney World in April, BUT it was closed down due to COVID. And they saved a few thousand dollars and discovered a love of camping as a unexpected alternative to Disney World. In this case, discovering an alternative vacation was an opportunity, and regardless of how much you or your family may have had your heart set on seeing Mickey Mouse, that "but" turned into something positive.
26:29
Or if it's been a hectic day, and say I needed to eat before running out of the house to a meeting, but I didn't even have the time to grab a snack because one thing had led to another and next thing I know, I had to head out the door. Well, being hungry because I didn't carve out a few minutes to grab a bite to eat stinks. But if I'm running out the door, perhaps at some point, I say, "You know what...it is what it is."
26:53
And I'm going to use this opportunity perhaps to realize that I actually feel surprisingly good despite skipping a meal. And, hey, maybe this unintended fast allows me to realize that I don't need as many calories as I thought I did. Or maybe I go on make this part of a new habit. And again, this is a silly analogy, and I'm not encouraging people to skip meals. But the reality is something good can come out of something bad (really deep and profound deep statement, right?).
27:22
But, as simple as the notion of snatching good from bad is, the reality is that such things happen—or can happen—ALL THE TIME. And I could probably go on for hours and keep taking trivial things and stretching them into something bigger than they are. But the reality is, in that situation I just mentioned, maybe I do go through that meeting with a splitting headache because I'm starving. Maybe it plays out exactly as bad as I feared it would. But even then, I'm probably going to use this as an opportunity to adjust my future schedule and build in a bit of a buffer to not risk skipping a meal and, in turn, being less than 100% for some important meeting.
27:53
And clearly these types of examples are endless, as I just said. So I'm not going to continue listing out every example that comes to mind, but I will encourage you to be on the lookout for examples where you might not be able to avoid or undo a "but" and where a "but" simply "is what it is" to a certain extent. And what it is in those situations may very well be an opportunity to grow and develop.
28:18
And if you agree that sometimes the easiest way to handle "buts" is to move on without over-thinking and without beating around the bush, then you as a leader can and should help your stakeholders understand how and when they can do this themselves: how they can move on, how they can set things aside, how they can acknowledge that perhaps an immediate change of direction IS necessary and is OK.
28:47
And if you see people struggling to find the lessons learned and the opportunities to grow that any barrier or change of direction or "but" may induce, then you have the opportunity to stand up, to be a leader, and to help them figure out what positives may exist. And, yes, as a coach, I would argue that the best way for you as a leader to help your stakeholders work through incomplete or inadequate ideas and problems is to ask good questions that allow them to discover better solutions on their own; or, in some cases, allow them to discover when it's time to admit defeat; and to recognize lessons learned and opportunities on their own and then move on from there.
29:27
However, as a leader, you also need to recognize those times where it's your job to be somewhat upfront and blunt and tell your stakeholders what you're thinking in a straightforward manner without going and taking all that extra time to step them through things and help them grow and develop. Because, again, I wholeheartedly agree that taking the time to avoid saying the word "but" and always trying to respond to people by telling them what you like about their ideas—as silly as those ideas might be—before you subtly and tactfully help them to discover all the reasons the idea might be incomplete or inadequate.
30:03
All that is absolutely a great default approach, but for a podcast aimed at helping fuel sustainable leaders, the question is whether adhering 100% to that approach at all times is sustainable.
30:16
And of course, the answer is "No." So, with that question and answer in mind, I'm going to ramble on for a couple more minutes and go to the third goal of today's episode, which is to make the case that it is not sustainable to adhere 100% to some approach or some framework—no matter how good and valuable it is.
30:34
And an unnatural avoidance of the word "but" or "no" or "however" and a refusal to ever actually lead with your immediate reaction can cause greater damage than any stifling of creativity caused by simple words like "but."
30:40
And again, to be clear, I'm not saying that leaders should regularly voice their immediate opinions and shut down the thinking of others and go around telling everyone how stupid people's ideas are as soon as they're uttered. And I don't know of anyone who's gone through a training class or read an article or a book that talks about the benefits of replacing "buts" with "ands" who has disagreed with the premise.
31:13
But the problem I've encountered is leaders who learn how much damage using the word "but" causes that they robotically tried to avoid it at all costs. And they start to communicate as if they're going through some kind of checklist or prescribed process. And in some cases, it can come across as robotic.
31:29
And not only have I seen this from other people who have sat through a communications class or leadership class where you're taught how to become an active listener, but I freely admit that I'm guilty of slipping into this robotic mindset where I become so afraid of using certain words and saying certain things. And by avoiding those certain things like saying the word "but," I can easily come across as unnatural and inauthentic, 2 things you really don't want to be as a leader.
31:56
And as mentioned earlier, the three formal classes I've gone through where I was taught to avoid saying the word "but" have all been valuable and worthwhile. And I know that since the first time I was told to avoid saying "but" back in 2007, I've been a better listener than I would have been without hearing that message.
32:15
But after each of those classes, it was funny to see other attendees practice their avoidance of the word "but" in real life situations during the weeks and months that followed. And with a large enough population at a company who are aware of this "communication rule," both parties would inevitably kind of laugh a bit when they realize that one party was really trying hard to avoid saying "but" even though they might have been bursting at the seams to share their observations. And the danger of using a valuable tool or trick like this is that, if the audience knows your trick, it's not gonna be terribly effective.
32:52
And it's important to realize that sometimes you can unwittingly start to overuse a tool or piece of knowledge it can paralyze you. And your audience will know exactly the tool you're using, why you're using it, and the exact reason you're starting to come across as somewhat robotic. And I'm going to assume "robotic" is not exactly a trait you wish to be known for. Because if you're a robotic leader, a robotic thinker, a robotic employee, a robotic spouse, or a robotic anything, you're going to be replaced...with a robot. And I'm guessing you don't want that.
33:22
So you need to think about how to balance your adherence to the rules, while continuing to think and act in a genuine manner. And yes, I know that everyone today emphasizes the importance of being genuine and authentic. And being genuine and authentic, obviously, doesn't mean you can't have frameworks that you lean on; and rules that you live by; and that you shouldn't choose your words carefully at times.
33:47
But it also means you don't want to give the appearance of being inauthentic. And one surefire way of doing that is to overtly avoid using "trigger words," if you will. And keeping in mind the example I just gave of people who attended a class on avoiding "buts" and who then go on through their day on high alert against uttering the word and perhaps even judging those who do use the word and who jumping in and say, "Yeah, BUT that's not gonna work...and here's why," it's worth noting that once those rules do become more natural and are ingrained and become habit, they really do pay dividends.
34:21
It's just that when it doesn't seem natural, or when someone thinks you're avoiding giving your opinion—not out of respect for someone's idea or to facilitate creative thinking, but because you're "weak" or you're "not confident" or you're "soft"—then the unintended consequences can be hugely negative. And again, if your audience knows darn well that you just want to stand up and shout that an idea that was just thrown out there is not going to work and that that idea stinks or it's been tried before or whatever you want to say, it might make sense to just go ahead and follow your instincts instead of wasting everyone's time and allowing the other party to to assume that you're essentially lying by omission by sitting on your hands and nodding your head as if you agree with this person who's sharing something that's probably not all that likely to lead to some creative solution.
35:18
So again, I think this is an exception. I think more often than not, if you're surrounding yourself with intelligent people and creative people and good thinkers, even ideas that aren't fully fleshed out are going to have some value. So in the grand scheme of things, maybe 95% of the time you don't need to use the word "but" and you don't need to jump in right away.
35:40
However, there is that 5% of the time when you just need to figuratively stand up, look the person in the eyes, and say, "What were you thinking? That's not gonna work!" And there are times when you or your organization can't afford to sit around and continue exploring and asking questions because sometimes a decision just needs to be made. And engaging in the corporate equivalent of building a parachute that's not going to work and could seemingly waste a whole bunch of time or get somebody killed if you're not willing to jump in and stand up and be assertive could even get you fired if your inaction or slow action is misinterpreted.
36:14
So sometimes an emphatic "no" supported by a firm "but" is completely necessary.
And you as a leader need to recognize when those times are. And perhaps as I ramble on about all this, you're picturing a team of people in a business setting, sitting around a table or perhaps on a zoom call...or maybe you're picturing a child and a homemade parachute that's starting to realize that yeah, this this idea isn't going to work out after all.
36:18
But whatever is in your mind, it's important to realize that these interactions and these opportunities to decide whether you're avoiding "buts" or embracing "buts" can occur in virtually every part of your life. And the decision whether you want to avoid "buts" or occasionally let one flow will be dictated by many different variables that you need to be conscious of to avoid robotically communicating with others.
37:04
Again, as another example—and, yes, I know I said I wouldn't throw a bunch of examples in, BUT...—let's say you're calling to cancel a subscription to something like cable television as we talked about in Episode 5. And the person on the other end keeps giving you offers that you don't want and you don't need. And you could choose to humor that person on the other end and dig deeper and ask questions and let them develop things or you could say, "BUT all I want to do is cancel and move on with my day. So please just cancel my service." And in cases like that, it's obviously okay to throw in a "but," change direction, and move on.
37:36
Similarly, if your spouse is asking your opinion on what clothes to wear, he or she might not want to play 20 questions and instead simply wants an honest and quick answer from you. So give the honest answer.
37:50
And when your children come to you for the 20th time and ask for a bowl of ice cream before dinner, you know you as a parent don't have to take five minutes to say, "Well, you know what I like about you eating ice cream right now is the dairy that will provide calcium for your growing body," before then helping them explore why consuming dessert at that moment is not the best idea.
38:11
And sometimes taking that extra time is fine and good and health. And it's obviously great to connect with your kids as much as possible. But sometimes you just got to say, "But children, you're going to ruin your dinner, so now is not the time to eat ice cream...please go back to doing what you're doing."
38:29
And I know I'm taking a lot of time to share something that's probably common sense to you. And if you hadn't really thought of these things, you probably got the point 30 minutes ago and didn't need me to keep on going. But the reason I'm sharing this is to warn you against being a leader who can slip into an unnatural over-reliance on some new approach that you read in a LinkedIn post or a Harvard Business Review article or some leadership book; and I'm warning you as a parent to not fall into the sometimes extreme camps of either "attachment parenting," where you might take those five minutes every single time to sit down with your child and explain the effects of consuming too much ice cream or, on the other end of the spectrum, "free range parenting," where your children have access to the fridge or freezer and can make their own mistakes and decisions regarding what they eat and where they go and everything else.
[For more on different parenting styles, click here]
39:19
Those are extremes, and those are frameworks, and there's validity in both of them. But you shouldn't necessarily define yourself as being a part of one camp or the other and put your blinders on to other opinions and approaches. You need to think beyond those frameworks and you need to realize that some of these rules are made to be broken.
39:36
And yes, I know I've completely oversimplified those 2 "parenting philosophies" and I may have oversimplified leaders who are blunt and "to the point" versus those who are perhaps the other extreme and soft and "willing to listen" and maybe take too much time doing so on occasion. But all that being said, if you've read a compelling book on some parenting approach or leadership approach, you've likely got these rules and these tricks tucked into your head and you want to try them out.
40:07
But as a leader of any sort, there's a difference between trying out something new and becoming a robot who religiously adheres to some specific philosophy and, therefore, starts to lose some of the independent thinking and assertiveness and discretion that is expected of you. And the best defense against becoming a robotic leader or parent is to remember that it's okay to "but" in at times and it's okay to occasionally respond with a quick "No" because something else needs to get done ASAP.
40:34
And if you do sprinkle in the occasional "but" or “no," then when you do go down the path of actively listening and exploring ideas that have a very low likelihood of success, you're going to find that you your stakeholders are on a much more sustainable path because you've already established the boundaries that sometimes you are going to say "no." And when you're willing to take the time and listen, it's going to mean something.
40:55
And along these lines, if you adhere too strongly to the saying, "If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day; but if you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime," you may find that that man might starve to death before you're done teaching him in some cases...or he'll get fed up and quit because you come across a robotic jerk who can't understand that sometimes it's okay to give the darn man a fish.
41:16
And beyond my attempt to use a timeless fishing analogy to convince you that sometimes it's okay to take off your teacher's hat, and setting aside my hypothetical external conversations with customer service representatives or conversations with family members or work colleagues, i's also important to keep all of this in mind when you're having an internal conversation with yourself. Because if you subscribe to all of the self-help resources available today, you know that positive self-talk is good and healthy. And when you make a mistake, beating yourself up is often unnecessary and harmful.
41:48
And as we talked about earlier, recognizing lessons learned and opportunities that arise from mistakes is a crucial part of growth and development. So simply beating yourself up might not let you get to that point; but if you go overboard on this positivity stuff, at some point you might begin to chip away at your authenticity and effectiveness.
42:07
And so I'm arguing right now that sometimes it's okay to (laughingly) call yourself an "idiot" and hit yourself on the head...GENTLY. Do that too often and that's a big problem, of course. But if you never do that because you feel you've been told not, then you've created some alternate reality much like the reality that Pee-wee Herman lives in most of the time.
42:29
And if I'm afraid on occasion to say, "But Joe, you're completely wrong right now," or "Wow, Joe, what you just did or said was downright stupid!," well, I'm setting myself up for long-term issues of some sort. And if I'm afraid to occasionally be harsh on myself when it's warranted, I could easily begin slipping into "excuse mode" and not "growth mode."
42:51
And as I've hopefully made clear, I am not proposing that you spend your days in a pit of self-deprecation. But if you can't recognize that it's okay sometimes to tell yourself, "No," then you're going find yourself on an unsustainable path. And if you're not able to help others maintain a reasonable balance of mostly positivity with acceptance amount of "buts" and of throwing up their hands and saying, "it is what it is," then ultimately I'd argue you're doing them a disservice as a leader and as a colleague; and you may even find yourself falling into the trap of becoming a soft leader who comes across as an enabler of excuses.
43:29
And as someone who's encountered people erroneously believing that coaches like me spend most of our time making excuses for those that we work with, you better believe this is something I'm on guard against and that the last thing I want to do is merely offer people some formulaic approach to coaching where I spend all my time waiting to just "catch" them use the word "but" or other some other self-limiting belief that I can jump all over. Because as I've said several times already, if that's all I'm doing, there's undoubtedly some artificial intelligence algorithm or robot that can do my job for me.
44:00
So, assuming we're not all replaced by robots anytime soon, then my role as a coach and your role as a leader should be to be a conscious, intentional, and witting partner in the growth and development of your stakeholders. And my goal with this podcast is to help you recognize those times when a big ol' "but" is exactly what someone needs to hear.
44:21
So don't drain your energy trying to turn every single "but" into an "and."
44:25
And please be on guard for those times when well-meaning individuals have a "but" that's bursting inside of them, yet they're afraid to let it out. So as a leader, encourage them to let it out on occasion and to not just blindly follow the rules of active listening and effective communication to the point that their valuable opinions get lost.
44:44
And if you as a leader can encourage creativity and selectively inject a "but" when necessary, you won't just gain respect and ensure your opinions pack as much punch as possible, but you'll generate better and more sustainable results for everyone involved.
44:58
So for today's final question, ask yourself...
"Am I unwittingly losing credibility as a leader by following the rules of effective communication too closely and refusing to voice strong and quick opinions when needed...or are my opinions—even unspoken ones—stifling the creativity and competence of my stakeholders?
45:20
And as you ponder that, please allow me, your grateful host Joe Sinnott, to thank you for listening today.
And for more information about today's topic or to learn more about how I help leaders successfully navigate an energy industry that can perhaps be described as "a sea of 'buts'" right now, please visit theenergydetox.com.
And until next time, please remember that if someone ever falsely accuses you of ignoring the rules of active listening because you occasionally voice a strong opinion or forcefully shoot down a bad idea, go ahead and channel the timeless wisdom of Pee-wee Herman and respond:
"I know you are, but what am I?"
Thanks again.